just finished this. should be going up sometime in january, but its on my blog RIGHT NOW. enjoy.
Lets just get this over with.
I woke up this morning; my liver had left a note on the pillow next to me. It read “Dear Ned. Youre a fucking asshole. You put me through too much shit. Last night was the final straw. Signed, Your Liver”. This is a true story and actually happened.
So it got me thinking; whats the best cure for a fucking hangover?
MARIJUANA: Ah, the old standby. Not only does it cure everything ever (even AIDS), but it makes you act stupid. I heard a guy once say that ‘THC’ stood for ‘The Hangover Cure’ and I thought “that man is suprisingly witty”. So after a night of bourbon I decided to do nothing else but smoke pot to cure a hangover.
What followed was not so much a ‘cure’ as it was me playing Super Mario World for about three hours straight. I didn’t as much notice the symptoms were gone as i more or less had completely forgotten the symptoms, or even the fact that I was writing this very article. Infact, only after did I order thai food did I even remember that I had a hangover. It was incredible. So as a hangover cure I give this a 9 out of 10.
MORE ALCOHOL: What the fuck? What the fuck are you crazy? Drink MORE? Fuck you. No, really, me, fuck you. Fuck. You.
I decided to drink shots of vodka until my hangover cleared up. Ok: imagine the worst idea you’ve ever had, and multiply it be 1000. Now take that idea and pee on it. This whole scenario only led to an encounter with a poor Jehovah’s Witness who must have thought I was the devil himself… that poor bastard. Before I threw up in the kitchen sink I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked like Jack Nicholson’s chin. 2/10
GREASY FOOD AND CHILDRENS RECORDS: The whole idea behind this is that a couple of years ago after a particularly nasty break-up I lived in a dank, dreary basement apartment across the street from a daycare (I know. Very John Wayne Gacy of me, right?). I also worked in a bar at that time too, and for a good month I’d stay up until the morning drinking with my Irish Catholic manager and then come home. Due to some unusual twist of fate my window funneled every fucking sound coming from that fucking day-care, so after maybe 4 hours of sleep I was awakened by the sounds of The Fucking Bananas In Pajamas or some other heinous shit. It was terrible. It was worse than 9/11 and Princess Diana combined.
Ultimatley I’d eat whatever was in the fridge. Because I was broke and because I’d just gotten out of a relationship with Satan Herself this usually meant either mustard or pizza. I decided to give this a shot again. I spent five hard earned dollars of my own on a used Raffi cd, and another five on a large pepperoni pizza.
After 3 slices I decided to smoke some pot; my stomach wasn’t adjusting well to the tomato sauce. I passed out; Raffi blaring on the stereo on repeat. A bad idea. 4/10
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING: This was the worst idea of all. I ended up staring out the window listening to sad bastard music. I did a lot of staring. Really fucking bad idea. 1/10
CHURCH: No, really. I know you are probably sitting there reading this thinking “Fuck you. I am not going to church”. Due to the fact that I am a brilliant journalist that is willing to try anything to get the story I came down to this on the list and decided to bite the bullet and do it. Amazingly I had a lot of fun. I was so placid and mallable that I started getting into it. Every song sounded like Coldplay - who I hate - but when you’re in a White Person Church you kind of have to go with the flow. I mean, hey, the whole thing about being hungover is hating it / yourself, and church at least made me forget about it for 3 hours. Also, there were free coffee and donuts, and afterwards there was an X-Box battle. I beat some fucking pansy 11 year old in a bad marigold sweater at Rock Band. He tried to high-five me. I refused to high five him back. What a dick. 6/10
CHURCH (ON MARIJUANA): This is the best. I smoked a TON of pot and wore my aviators the entire time, gorging myself on the free donuts. Was I even at a church? I don’t remember. It was awesome. It was epic. I think I cried at one point. I hugged somebody and meant it. I can’t even remember why. 10/10.
Having recently promised and failed to make my own patch of th’internet of more interest to British visitors, I have now resorted to riding on the coattails of my compatriots. Mud Island is a tumblr by Brits for anyone. Bad weather, bad teeth, St Trinian’s films, the Daily Mail, buggery, racism and so much more: if it’s British, we’ll get around to tumbling about it. I’m sure you can hardly contain your excitement.
Glad to be aboard cap’n Brissenden! x
Permission to contribute.
@iain: let me have an email address, and you’re in
Jolly good. Here’s to your Tumblr and all who sail on her!
Coffee can lift your mood, make you happier, and make you feel better. It alleviates depression.
Have a headache? Drink a cup of coffee. It’s been shown to help people get rid of their headaches.
People who drink coffee have less colon cancer than people who don’t. That’s a big deal, especially if you have a family history of cancer.
Parkinson’s disease has also been shown to be reduced by drinking coffee.
Coffee drinkers have lower rates of Type II diabetes, and that’s an especially important finding since diabetes is becoming more prevalent today.
Gallstones and cirrhosis of the liver – both lowered by drinking coffee.
Coffee can protect your teeth from cavities.
If you have asthma, drinking coffee can help manage your condition and might help you stop an attack if you don’t have your medication available.
One of the biggest benefits? People who smoke or drink alcohol get protective benefits from drinking coffee and have lower rates of liver problems and heart disease.
(I just needed excuses to drink the amounts of coffee I do. Here are some more:)
Coffee can be used to dye paper and fabrics. If you put the beans in hot water their colour will start to come out. You can use that water to dye fibres.
If you need a good facial scrub, you can coarsely grind some coffee beans and use them to scrub your face. They have great exfoliating properties.
If you’ve been preparing food and your hands smell like it, rub some coffee beans between your hands for a few seconds; you can also suck on a coffee bean to freshen and clean your breath, no matter what you’ve been eating.
Have a garden? Coffee makes great compost if you don’t use it in excess, and sprinkling coffee grounds and orange peels around plants will keep cats from bothering the plants or using the garden as their personal litter box.
Greasy pans can be cleaned with the left over ground beans that you used to exfoliate and scrub your face.
You can also use coffee beans, placed in a bowl in your refrigerator, to get rid of food smells that might accumulate in there.
Coffee gives you bad breath and sends you CRAZY. the first cup I ever had led to a speeding ticket. I was a late starter. I love it though, if only because you chase it with a cup of tea.
Apparently* there aren’t any dyslexic Japanese people, because their alphabet is all pictures. Aren’t all words pictures really? I’m not being romantic, I’m being serious, and probably a little bit stupid.
*according to a family member who may or may not be trustworthy. i will ask everyone when i get to Tokyo in 4 week’s time.
yeah so forget the reblogging thing. i’ll post more of my own words though. this idea is ripping through tumblr at the moment…because of tumblr heart methinks…is there anywhere you can see all that you have ‘heart-ed’? that’d be nice, and save a lot of reblogging. nnn.